How should I deal with my mother

Answer from Bernd

Hello Annie,
"Love" and "respect" have so many aspects in our everyday life that it is often difficult for me to find the right way!
Basically, nature requires parents to teach their children to fly:
To turn children into independent, sensible, responsible adolescents, who at some point will be so "grown up" themselves that they can become parents themselves!

"Parents" are usually father and mother, who together develop an idea of ​​how they can prepare their children for a self-reliant life.
Who quietly talk about how their child has tried again to play them off against each other: If mom has forbidden something, you just ask dad.
Your father doesn't seem to play a role in your description!
Why is that?

You don't need a "driver's license" to become parents! No "school leaving certificate"! No love and no sense of responsibility: it is enough if you take the pill incorrectly (or it does not work because ... no idea ... you just have diarrhea or have a cold ...)

There is only one thing that parents and children often suppress
(Which often cannot be answered with the term "respect"):

We (parents) can never be your friends!
You are too important to us for that! We love you too much for that!

Because it is also our job to set rules for you!
And to resist without you coming into conflict with the law?

You write: "Out of fear I tried to kick her away, but I didn't succeed and I spat on her"!

For me, "spitting" is not necessarily an act that arises out of fear.
Kicking when your mother gets too close to you is a reaction that becomes understandable when you have stood with your back against the wall: if you have seen no possibility of retreat: rats will bite too!

Basically I cannot and do not want to judge your problem with your mother.

With soldiers there is one thing that applies between obedience and respect also towards the subordinate (maybe also between mother and child).
The law is: 3 paces apart!
After my military service, it was often referred to as a "feel-good zone" in my private life.

3 steps are about 1.8 m. Can you spit that far?

But actually it's about learning to talk to each other! I mean your mother and you!

"Respect" sometimes starts with "distance": 3 steps - almost 2 meters. Close enough to argue, far enough away not to feel threatened, push or spit at one another.

But respect also means that you don't exclude your roots in the way: "She is a foreigner"!
Whether you like it or not: you will always be part of your roots!
You can - and should - deal with it!
Simply denying half of your origins will not make you really happy in the long run.
Spitting, kicking and pushing won't help either of you!

What does authority have to do with respect?
For me there is no authority based on titles, medals, decorations!
(Professor, Dr., father, mother ...)
For me, authority is someone whom I personally or professionally admit that I am close to him / her: can follow?

I respect those who deal with me! Argue with me!
Your mother still does that to you?
And only breaks the 3 step distance when our opinion has come so close that he wants to hug me (don't hit or spit on!)

What does it mean that you don't recognize your mother as an "authority"?
I agree on that! Appropriate for your age!

I see the respect differently than you!
If you lose your mother's respect, she will simply "don't care" about you!

I hope for both of you that this will never happen!

All the best