Why can't I love
Why to fall in love and how to bring love back
A common reason for separation is often mentioned: "I don't love you anymore". What is really behind it? And: can they be brought back? We spoke to Erwin Jäggle, couple and psychotherapist.
Instahelp: What are the reasons why love can pass?
Erwin Jäggle: There are various attempts at explanation. An interesting approach to the phenomenon of "love" as it begins and ends is the Imago relationship theory. “Imago” in this context means the first picture that people make of people. It represents the positive and negative character traits of our first caregivers - mostly the parents - and their coping patterns.
This image, called the “imago”, determines all of our relationships. Most of all, however, our intimate relationships, and this ranges from the unconscious selection of the partner we fall in love with to the failure of the relationship with him.
Instahelp: Is this an “ideal”?
Erwin Jäggle: When we fall in love, we become intoxicated with hormones. - we lose the clear view. In this state we project our ideal of a relationship into a person who in reality does not correspond to the ideal. If the hormone subsides quickly and we see clearly again, we fall into a deep disappointment and begin - also unconsciously - an increasingly bitter power struggle, at the end of which pain and despair lead to inner separation. The inner separation is the phase in which we have nothing more to say to each other, but stay together. This is often followed by the external separation, the actual end of the relationship.
Instahelp: Are there people for whom this happens faster and more often?
Erwin Jäggle:People who find it difficult to accept themselves, it is also difficult for them to hold in love with others. The principle is: “The love for you passes (me) because I cannot allow the love for myself."
Of course, fears also play a role in some people, mostly it is fear of loss and loyalty that makes love “pass away”.
Instahelp: Do partners often confuse the feeling of being in love and love? How important is it to know the difference in order to keep a relationship going?
Erwin Jäggle:In fact, knowing the difference is very important! Being in love is a wonderful feeling of elation, but it only lasts for a certain time. Falling in love comes without us having to do much. Many believe that this feeling must last forever in a love for life. “I need you, you need me” - what could be nicer? The great feeling of being in love is based on a hormone rush, which you have to know that it only lasts for a relatively short time.
Love - yes what is love really? Love is a decision for a person after being in love. I recently heard the following: “Love is the inner decision for a person, even if I actually don't need him! I don't need you, but I want to be with you! "
Instahelp: In your experience: Do many couples give up too quickly?
Erwin Jäggle:Yes! But you can't blame them for doing this! At the beginning they really try to save the relationship with the methods available to them, but - without realizing it - they get deeper and deeper into the ruinous power struggle and finally give up!
Instahelp: What would help save the relationship?
Erwin Jäggle:You have to recognize and admit that your partner is not there to make you happy. That sounds quite unromantic, but in my eyes it is! You have to turn away from the point of view “How do you have to change so that we or I are fine” and ask yourself: “How do I contribute to preventing things from going the way I imagine?” And: "What would I have to develop in myself so that we can experience our relationship as a happy one?" I would like to refer to the concept of "Conscious Relationship" according to the Imago relationship theory, which shows helpful steps. You can learn it in workshops or from an Imago couple therapist.
Instahelp: Can you bring love back once it's "gone"?
Erwin Jäggle:When love is really "gone", I hardly see any more possibility! There has to be a hidden ember to turn it into a fire.
Instahelp: If the hidden glow is still there, what strategies can help?
Erwin Jäggle:If there is still “something there”, I advise, as mentioned before, to familiarize yourself with the concept of “Conscious Relationship” and to apply it. Ultimately, it is about getting "right" with yourself and being able to lead a fulfilling life on your own. You develop your own ability to love and your own attractiveness towards your partner! In any case, respectful and loving communication must be ensured. Accusations, justifications, cynicisms and "walls" are to be omitted. It would be wise to put your rose-tinted glasses back on and to deal with realistic, positive illusions about your partner and the relationship, as if you were in love.
Instahelp: How do you know that love is really over forever?
Erwin Jäggle:You can tell ...
- ... when crippling indifference has taken hold.
- ... if you only feel annoyed by the other person.
- ... if you only see negative intentions in the other person or assume them.
- ... if only hatred reigns in one and wants to hurt the other.
- ... when you can no longer smell the other in the literal and figurative sense.
Photo credit cover picture: iStock.com/AndreyPopov
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